


Assets Out of Containment: Alternate Ending: Raptor Dance-Off

by follow_the_sun



Series: Team Stegosaurus vs. the Universe [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Jurassic World (2015)
Genre: Fluff and Crack, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Team Stegosaurus, Velociraptors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-30
Updated: 2015-10-30
Packaged: 2018-04-28 23:34:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5109599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/follow_the_sun/pseuds/follow_the_sun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Paramore left the following comment on Assets Out of Containment:<br/>YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE THE RAPTOR DANCE OFF THING.<br/>Okay. This is very important. I need you to go write the raptor dance off thing, and then post it, or else all the joyful things in life will die. And also Civil War will never come out. And WWIII will start. And every other evil thing you could possibly think of times ten billion. Okay thanks bye.</p><p>---<br/>DAMMIT PARAMORE. The first thing people should learn about me is NOT TO GIVE ME EXCUSES for things like this!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Assets Out of Containment: Alternate Ending: Raptor Dance-Off

“Beer in the future is great,” Barnes tells Grady. They’re sitting on lawn chairs outside Grady’s trailer with a steadily growing pile of empty cans and bottles between them. “Gimme another.”

“Are you sure?” Grady eyes the pile of empties. “Isn’t this about number eleven for you?”

“I can’t get drunk, and the bet was, the winner gets all the beer they can drink. So beer me, loser.”

“Okay, uh, how about this one,” Grady says, fishing a bottle out of the cooler. “It’s, uh… Oh, it’s pumpkin spice ale.”

“I know you’re trying to gross me out with the weird flavors now,” Barnes says, “but I grew up during the Depression, and back then we would’ve been _grateful_ for pumpkin spice beer.” He pops the cap off the bottle (best use of a metal hand ever) and takes a long drink. “Huh,” he says, looking at the bottle thoughtfully. “Never mind. This is repulsive.”

“Told you.”

“Isn’t there some Guinness in there?” Barnes asks, and Grady has started to dig for the bottle when a voice behind them says, “Ooh, Guinness is my favorite! I hope you brought enough for everybody.”

Barnes turns and finds himself staring into the face of a velociraptor. In an instant, he has his rifle up and pointed at its face. “Что ебать,” he snaps. “Either eat people or don’t, but don’t sneak up on them. I’m ninety-eight years old, you know, you could give me a heart attack.”

“Oh, we’re not here to eat you,” the raptor says, which Barnes would find more convincing if it wasn’t grinning, showing all its teeth. “We thought of a better way to settle our differences.”

“Yeah?” Barnes says, without lowering the gun. “How?”

“Dance-off, bro!” the raptor says, as two more raptors appear out of the foliage. “You and us, right now! Winner gets the island and all the beer. How about it?”

“Absolutely not,” says Barnes. “I only know how to swing dance, and I’m not letting any of you be my partner.”

“It’s okay,” Grady says, tossing down his beer can and standing up. “I got this.”

The raptors cheer and form a line. One of them presses a button on an iPod, and music pumps from the speaker. Barnes watches as the raptors bend their knees and start to bounce up and down. “What the _hell_ are they doing?” he asks Grady.

“I think it’s called ‘Whip (Nae/Nae),’” Grady says. “I’ll admit they’ve got some skills, but it’s not really my kind of dancing.”

“Well, show us your kind of dancing, then, old man,” the raptor on the end shouts.

“Fine.” Grady skims the list of songs on the iPod, selects one, and grins as the song blasts through the air.

_D-I-N-O-S-A-you-are-a dinosaur, D-I-N-O-S-A-you-are-a dinosaur—_

The velociraptors glower as Grady finishes his dance and flops back into the chair beside Barnes, sweating. “Wow,” Barnes says, impressed. “You do a mean Ke$ha.”

“I’m surprised you’ve even heard of Ke$ha.”

“Oh, sure. You ever heard her song ‘Stephen’? That’s, like, practically my theme song.”

“Okay, girls,” says the lead raptor, “he’s beating us. This calls for the big guns.” The raptors huddle and consult in whispers for a few minutes, then line up, and Beyoncé’s voice blasts from the iPod.

_All the single ladies, now put your hands up…_

Barnes and Grady watch in amazement as the raptors absolutely nail their performance. Who knew you could even do the sassy hand flips with reptile claws? “This is serious,” Barnes says. “We’re gonna have to come up with something really good to beat that.”

“Hey, I told you not to worry, Cap. I got this.”

“I told you, I’m not Captain Amer… Oh, hell.” Grady is already striding back to the open space that serves as the dance floor and setting up his next song. He strikes a pose as it begins with a thumping bass, then slides his feet backward. Barnes certainly never saw anything like _that_ when he used to take girls out to dance halls. Sure enough, the raptors all slump, knowing that they’re defeated. After Grady finishes his performance, Barnes says, “What _was_ that?”

“It’s called the Moonwalk, my friend. And you should definitely check out early Michael Jackson, especially since you’re rocking the one-glove look. His later stuff sucked, but anything from the Thriller era is pretty good.”

“I’ll put it on the list,” Barnes says. “Well, raptors? You ready to admit defeat?”

“Now, I don’t think that’s fair,” says the raptor on the end, the troublemaker. “Our ankles don’t even bend that way. This is a human-centric competition.”

“I’d be happy to dance to raptor music if you made any," Grady says. "Oh, wait, you don’t, because you’re reptiles without opposable thumbs, and also, you’re extinct.”

“That’s a low blow,” says the lead raptor. “We came here to have a friendly competition, but you’ve crossed a line. I think we’re going to have to eat you now.”

“Oh, yeah? You just _try_ eating my dad and see what happens,” says a new voice.

“Blue!” Grady says, as a fourth raptor emerges from the bushes.

“Wait,” says the troublemaker. “If you’re a raptor, how come you’re blue?”

“Oh my _God,_ Karen,” says the lead raptor, “you can’t just ask people why they’re blue.”

“Who cares? Let’s eat all of them!” screams the other raptor.

Barnes sighs and stands up. “Okay,” he says wearily. “I guess we’re gonna do this the hard way.”

Several minutes later, Grady is holding his gun, Barnes is holding the neck of a broken beer bottle smeared with raptor blood, and the three enemy raptors have fled into the bushes. Blue looks after the retreating raptors, then looks back at Grady. “Sorry, dad,” she says, “but I think I’m going to go hang out with those girls now. I’m pretty sure I can kick all their asses and become the alpha. I promise I’ll keep them from eating you, okay?”

“Do what you gotta do, Blue.” Grady pats her on the snout, and she hurries off into the bushes.

“Well,” says Barnes. “I’ve seen some pretty weird stuff, but I never expected to have the kind of life where I’d think things like, ‘Hey, I got bitten by a dinosaur again. It must be Tuesday.’”

“That’s right, I did see one of them bite you.” Grady sets down the gun and looks at him with alarm. “You’d better take your pants off and let me look at that.”

“Uh, you do know it bit my arm, right? And that it didn’t actually hurt me, because my arm is made of metal?”

“My God, man,” Grady says, “this is no time for arguments. Lives are at stake! Get in the trailer and get your clothes off already!”

Well. Maybe today isn’t going so badly after all. Barnes grins, and lets Grady drag him into the bungalow.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Amazingly, I was not drunk when I wrote this.  
> 2\. I cosplayed Antman-credits-scene-Bucky at a tiny local comicon last month and someone asked me if I was Michael Jackson because I used a silver glove for the metal hand. (But a whole bunch of people did get it, which made my little fan heart so happy, and I got to wear my stompy boots, so it was still an epic win.)  
> 3\. No, really, I can't believe nobody's made a Stucky parody video of "Stephen" yet.  
> 4\. Don't ask how the raptors got the iPod.  
> 5\. Don't ask how the raptors can talk.  
> 6\. Actually, don't ask any questions about this, ever.  
> 7\. For those who have been really sweet and asked if I was going to write more Bucky, the answer is yes! Because weird Bucky crossovers are my jam, I am working on another thing that is set in the Team Stegosaurus universe (I have no idea if anyone else will like it, but it's mostly for my own amusement). No dinosaurs, but it will have an ABUNDANCE of man-out-of-time crankiness. ^_^

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Dance Off, Bitches! (A Team Stegosaurus Mix)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7246402) by [gigglingkat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gigglingkat/pseuds/gigglingkat)




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